So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
