Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
