i think i have two assholes
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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