nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
