overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
