My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude i'm inner monologue high
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
