I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
