Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
