chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
