my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
