I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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