dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
