I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
