Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
