i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
