last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I want to be your penis for a week.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
