So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
