the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
