Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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