you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
