I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
