to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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