the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I have fence marks all over my body
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Help. Why am I so naked?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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