so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
