I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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