In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
