Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
