grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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