Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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