it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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