well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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