i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
