and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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