i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
