just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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