he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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