A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My feet surprised me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
