I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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