forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
