Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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