she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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