checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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