If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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