I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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