I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
