I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
