I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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