Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
