And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
