im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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