Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
