Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
